A bridge over a beautiful waterfall

A bridge over a beautiful waterfall
Nature brings magic

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Winter sucks...and so do the holidays

Before I get jumped on about how the holidays are "wonderful" and are the time of year to "be with one's family", let me make one thing clear...I DON'T HAVE A FUNCTIONAL FAMILY.

I come from a very dysfunctional background.  The only members of my family who give a DAMN about me are my husband, my oldest sister, my oldest sisters 3 kids, and one of my brother's stepdaughters.  Everyone else would be very happy if I fell off the face of the planet.  They sure as hell won't be spending the Christmas holidays with me.  I have 3 other nieces and a nephew out of my brother and other older sister.  They're not talking to me either because their parents aren't.  So the whole "Christmas is a time for family" bullshit pisses me off.

My husband doesn't have any family to spend it with either.  His sister is married and moving to the Netherlands - and hates us for not following her and my mother-in-law to Texas like good little sheep.  His parents are divorced.  His dad is in Florida with his new wife and has nothing to do with us.  His mom isn't talking to us either, much for the same reasons as his sister.  Long story about the move from Washington to Texas with us stopping in Idaho.  I might even share it some day.  Not today.  I'm already in a bad enough mood as it is.

What makes the holidays even worse is the emphasis on kids.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE kids.  I want kids.  I desperately want kids.  I can't have them.  Not capable of having children.  And because of the state of our finances, and the fact we're living in a 3 bedroom house with a total of six people sharing very limited living space, we can't adopt.  We haven't been in a position to adopt for a long time, and I don't see that changing any time soon either.

But having the fact that I DON'T have children shoved in my face at every opportunity by people around me sucks.  My workplace did something where co-workers and managers could nominate families in need and everything would stay anonymous but gifts would be purchased based on what the nominees who were chosen needed/wanted.  I nominated a single mom on my team at work because she's putting in overtime just so she can pay rent and buy groceries.  I also know she was chosen.  I'm glad because this means she'll get some help for the holidays for her and her three kids.

I ALSO know, due to having overheard a conversation I probably shouldn't have, that I was nominated for help because of the fact I barely break even most months on bills even with both of us working.  We don't have much in the way of appropriate work clothes and it bothers my boss (in a sympathetic, not nasty way) to see me wearing the same worn out work clothes day in and day out.  He nominated my husband and me because he felt we too could use some help.  He was told by HR (and this is the conversation I got to overhear since I sit right next to his cubicle) that because we don't have children WE DON'T QUALIFY FOR THE COMPANY'S HELP.  Their whole goal is to help "families in need" and because we don't have children we don't count as a family.

What the FUCK ever.  I'm not upset because we didn't get chosen.  There are a lot of people who need help more than we do.  It's the REASON we weren't chosen.  Because my husband and I don't have kids, we're not a REAL family.  That's what pissed me off about the whole situation.

We've had a lot of snow dropped on our heads.  I almost didn't make it to work alive yesterday because people around here don't know how to drive with snow on the ground.  I'm grateful my husband does because he's the one driving and he kept us safe yesterday.  I half jokingly asked my boss what would happen if I called out for today because of road conditions.  He said, "The company doesn't care if you can't drive in. If you don't have any more sick time, you'll be fired for calling out."  I just stared at him.

"You mean they'd rather you DIE because of bad weather conditions than call in because you can't make it to work?" I asked.  He just nodded.  He looked as upset as I was.  Apparently he got an email from the center manager telling him that if anyone called in because of the weather, and if they didn't have the time to cover it, he was to tell them to swing by when they could and get their stuff from security.

When I was told I had 3 planned days left and I needed to use them before the end of the year, I jumped on the chance to take today off.  I also have a 4 day weekend next week (Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon).  I need the time off so I can get some writing done.  I also need the time away from the "YOU RUINED MY KIDS' CHRISTMAS!" from parents who have NO concept of managing personal finances.

I'm doing handmade Christmas gifts this year.  I'm knitting hot pads for dinner tables, glasses cases (pretty much everyone who's still talking to me in my family wears glasses), and trying my hand at a purse.  I'll probably scrap that one in favor of the easier presents and do the purse for a birthday or something.  I don't know.  I'm at the point where I don't even want to do Christmas presents.  Just send everyone a Christmas card and call it good.  It's not like they don't know how hard hit we've been in the last several months.

*sigh*  It doesn't help Twitchy (the roommate who owns the house) has a house full of people right now.  They've been here since before I got home from work last night.  They were loud and obnoxious all night and I finally grabbed my Benadryl and took four of them to get to sleep.  (Two doesn't work on me anymore. I've used them as sleeping pills way too often in the past 9 months.)  Apparently my husband went out and ranted to one of our other roommates - his best friend Parker - about the whole situation because HE was pissed off by it too.  Also about the fact that he was told he couldn't say even a quarter of the stuff he wanted to say in response to Twitchy's younger sister and her two boy toys' bullshit.

My husband and I both have to worry about random piss tests for drugs and alcohol.  It's part of life right now for us.  Twitchy's younger sister's boyfriend SPIKED MY HUSBAND'S SODA.  It was just a damn good thing he noticed and spit it out.  The boyfriend thought it was freakishly hilarious, even more so when he found out the consequences if hubby got caught drinking.

The two boy toys also set off my "creep meter" big time.  I didn't even get a good look at them before bolting for  the bedroom.  Twitchy was rather offended by the fact I didn't stick around to talk to her and the others hanging out.  My husband reminded her I suffer from social anxiety.  Twitchy's response? "But these aren't strangers!"  My husband pointed out that to me, since I didn't know anyone except Twitchy's best friend, they were.  There were four people I didn't know (and three I did) drinking in our rather small dining room/living room area, being very loud, and two of them set me off so bad by just being in the same room that I ran for it.  Yeah...not going to stick around for that.

Twitchy asked me if I was going to make my white enchiladas tonight.  I told her only way I was making them is if the house guests were all gone.  I'm not leaving the bedroom while they're still here.  She got all butthurt and told me if I couldn't handle her family being here then maybe I should learn to get over it.  I wanted to smack the shit out of her but I restrained myself.  I told her that since she was so inconsiderate to NOT pay attention to the fact that she has FOUR ROOMMATES and that she's inconveniencing all of us with her house guests, why should I care about her being upset I'm not making one of my all time best dishes to serve them?  They're not my house guests.  They're not my friends.  And after that shit last night, I don't trust them.

Winter makes me all kinds of moody.  I'm not a summer or winter person.  I like spring and fall - it's neither too hot nor too cold, and there's always something pretty to look at.  The only pretty thing in winter is the mountains and it's just too damned cold to go outside and enjoy looking up at them.  Inconsiderate roommates and nasty ass bitches at work piss me off.  Not having anyone I can trust to rant to aside from my husband (who's already heard all of this, by the way) wears me down.

My husband and I hit a very rough patch about 2 years ago.  During the intervening 2 years, I've lost almost all of my so-called "best friends".  There are a few people who've stuck with me but I hate whining to them all the time about life because I'm sure they've gotten sick of hearing about it.  Just like I'm sure all of you, my dear readers, are probably tired of listening to me whine on this post.  So I'll stop here with this.

Just be aware that I am VERY moody at this time of year and you may get another rant post or two.  You may also get to see the first draft of a new short story I'm working on (not ranty, not anti-holidays, and NOT fan fic...LOL) if I ever get it done.  Heading off now...hopefully they'll all shut up enough my sound canceling ear phones will do their job and I can focus on writing.


  1. Oh man. I'm sorry you're having to go through all that. I'm sorry you're angry and upset, because nobody should be and nobody should be put in the kind of situation that creates permanent anger and frustration. I hope you're able to get more money, better jobs, and better living arrangements soon. I really do.

  2. I'm not a fan of the holidays, either. I wonder if it's coincidence that I can't stand most of my family, either, and being trapped with them during holiday dinners is painful (go check last Friday on my blog for a small sampling of why).

    If you want to rant, go ahead! I'll be happy to listen and bitch with you.