Online relationships "aren't real"...yeah, bite me

I was hanging around in one of my usual online haunts this week and something got brought up that's a real hot button issue with me. It was the subject of online relationships vs. offline relationships. One of the things that kept getting repeated was that "online relationships aren't real relationships".

I beg to differ with that opinion. I think online friends are just as real. They remember your birthday. They're there to support you when something goes wrong in your life, and to celebrate the triumphs you share as well. You can hold long conversations with these friends, though most of them are in writing rather than in voice. And with the invention of Skype and Google Talk, where you can connect through a video “phone”, you can talk to them face to face. Or you can share phone numbers privately and call each other when you need to.

The world of social media is a harsh place to be in some of the time. But others it opens up new horizons for us. For me, who ends up staying home most of the time, my online friends keep me company. I'm able to talk to people in different countries, different time zones, and feel connected. Some would say I'm isolated because I don't spend a lot of time around “real” people. (I don't understand that one. Are the friends I've made online cyborgs or androids?) I spend time talking to my roommates, spend time with my dad, stepmom, and younger sister. But I really talk to – and trust – my online friends. My best friend I've never met in person but I know I can tell her anything. She won't tell me what I want to hear. She'll tell me what she thinks. She also feels comfortable enough with me to expect the same.

Yes, I can understand the need to go offline. I do it myself. I'll go watch a movie with Himself or read a book. Sometimes we'll listen to an audiobook as we get ready for bed. I talk to people outside my online world, though I hate using the phone. I prefer having people text me. But my dad and stepmom don't text, so I willingly take their phone calls.

In the end, I don't think it matters how we make our friends. I think what matters is that we have people we can talk to, that care about us. People who accept us for who we are. People who are willing to tell us the truth. People we can trust. Those are the real friends in the world, be they right in front of you physically or in front of a keyboard miles away.

A bite from Fury

There's a blog hop for erotic romance/erotica writers called WIP It Up Wednesday. (At least I think it's only for the writers of those genres.) I thought I'd take the idea and share with you a little snippet of my sci fi story, currently under the title of Fury. It's too short to be a full novel, it comes in at just over 56k words. But I like the story and the characters, and thought I'd share a hint of them with you.

“Fiera, you can't leave,” Niereth said.

“Yes I can,” Fiera said. “You brought me because you knew I'd be able to protect you. You know I can tell which ones are predators, which are prey, and which are in betweens.” She lowered her voice. “Kuen is a predator. That man who just left is a predator. You're very obvious prey.”

“And you? You're one of those in the middle ground?” Niereth asked.

Fiera snorted. “You are an idiot,” she said. “I'm a predator, Ni. They all know it. They're just trying to figure out if I wandered into their territory temporarily, if I'm on my way back out, or if I'm after their prey.” Fiera shook her head. “Stay or go, Ni. I'm out of here.”

Niereth looked around at the party. No one seemed to be paying attention to the two young women. Fiera started towards the door. After a moment, Niereth fell in behind her. “I know better than to stay someplace I'm outclassed, Fury.”

“At least you have some sense,” Fiera said.

They didn't talk again until they were in the auto cab. “Fiera, you say you're a predator but you aren't anything like those others,” Niereth said.

“I'm from the colonies, Ni. I'm not going to be like those genetic wastes. I've learned to stand up for myself, my friends, and those who don't have a voice or can't speak up for themselves,” Fiera said. “I don't play their games. I'm another kraken weed in their pool. The longer I stay the more I'm going to attract their attention. Which is something I don't want to do. I'd rather people who aren't such obvious predators or prey do the socializing.”

I'm talking about music again

I discovered a new (to me at least) group over the weekend. It's Audiomachine. I love their music. It's instrumental with some vocals. Not a lot of lyrics, mainly just voices providing counterpoints to the actual instruments. But I think it's gorgeous music. I find it easy to write to but will stop to listen when something intrigues me. Here's one of their albums. It's the latest one, actually from this year. They have two that came out last year and three that came out in 2012. That's all I can see on Spotify. Their first public album Chronicles came out in 2012.

I've talked so many times about my love affair with music, but we're going to discuss it again. I'm getting to the point I'm bored with the same old groups I've listened to for a while now. I use Spotify and I've found some new and interesting things using their “Discover” feature. It's an algorithm that takes what you normally listen to and offers suggestions based on your listening habits. Now, Spotify has some peculiar ideas of what I'd like to listen to, but I'll at least give the sample a chance. If I like what I hear I'll go to an album and listen to a few songs. If I decide I don't like them, I go back to the “Discover” list and listen to some more.

That's how I got Audiomachine. They put it as similar to another group I found on Spotify called Nox Arcana. Himself introduced me to them, and I must say I do like most of their music. Some of it is a little creepy, but it's good. Their Legion of Shadows album is my favorite. You can find some of the music from it on YouTube.

I tend to listen to a lot of gothic/symphonic rock. A lot. It's my favorite music genre these days. Bands like Nightwish, Sonata Arcticia, Leaves Eyes, and Within Temptation are among those I listen to on a regular basis. There are others like Krypteria, Epica, and Lacuna Coil which I've only recently begun to listen to as well.

I think music is a big part of my day. When Himself is out of the house, I put on Spotify and one of my various playlists and turn it up. I work with that playing. When Himself is home, I'll either turn it off in favor of what he's watching/listening to, or more often than not, I'll plug in my earbuds and continue listening to my music at a comfortable volume.

There are days where all I want is the quiet. The sound of the box fan is enough noise for me to work by. But there are others where I need something more. Sometimes lyrical, sometimes loud, and sometimes somewhere in between. But I need that extra bit of sound to help kickstart my brain into working on things. Like now, I'm listening to Audiomachine as I write this.

I could give you the list of the bands I listen to, but that's going to be rather boring. I've shared an album of Audiomachine with you, and I've listed a few of my favorites. So how about you tell me who your favorites are? You can find all of mine on YouTube. Share with me some of yours and I'll see if I can find them there too. Who knows? We might just help each other find some new music to love.

Himself

My husband is a nice guy. We have our differences, as all married couples do, but he really is a nice guy. He's pretty laid back, unless you piss him off. And it takes a lot to piss him off usually. There are a few things that will set him off instantly though.

He's not afraid to tell you what he thinks. He's blunt, sometimes to the point of seeming rude. But he does it with a smile and people respond to that. He laughs easily and can make anyone feel that he's their friend. He enjoys being around people and can get into a conversation anywhere he is. Me being an introvert and shy, that gets awkward at times. But I'm learning to deal with it without flipping out or making him feel rushed.

My husband also has a lot of respect for people. It takes a while to earn his respect but once you have it he's fiercely loyal to you. Betray his trust, however, and it will take you a long time to earn it back. Sometimes he'll even decide you're not worth his time anymore because of this and will walk away.

Himself is also very generous. On Saturday, he went over to help a co-worker move. He's probably only known this person a little less than a month. But they needed help and Himself volunteered. He's done this for friends a lot too. Whenever someone needed him he was there.

I love him dearly. He's a good man at heart, even if he has his rough edges. He loves a good joke (and some bad ones too, but that's my opinion on them). He loves to laugh. He loves music and building things. He plays video games or practices his programming in his spare time. We go out on occasion too and it's always a good time no matter where we go.

We started dating at the end of June in 1999. We've been together ever since. Three years of dating/engagement before we were married, and we only had one major falling out that ended up in us not seeing each other for four months in there. For fifteen years I've been with this man, loving him and learning from him. For twelve of those years we've actually been married. I hope to have many more long and loving years with him.

Minecraft

Following on my theme of video games from yesterday, I want to talk to you about one game in particular. It's a game I've attempted from time to time, but one which Himself loves and can play for hours at a time (and has, when his insomnia is bad). That game is Minecraft.

I'm sure at least some of you have heard of this game. Here is the main website where you can get a brief rundown of what the game entails. Essentially you're hunting resources and building things. The more you build the better your game becomes.

The base game, or “vanilla” Minecraft, is very simplistic. It isn't simple. I've played vanilla and died so many times I can't count them. The monsters – called mobs – are dangerous after dark. But it's still a fun game where I get to harvest and build. They also have what they call “creative mode” where you have access to everything in the game and can experiment and design without the threat of mobs or having to go hunt for it all.

Then you have the mod packs. This can be anything from adding technology packs (redstone and circuits) to Thaumcraft (magic). They have mods where you're on the ground and ones where you're on a sky island and have to buid that up with limited resources to start with. Himself loves challenges like the skyblocks and learning the magic system.

One of the most beautiful things I've seen him build on any server was when he was doing one of his skyblocks. He spent days on his island. When he was finished, he had a huge stained glass pyramid full of water, flowers, and trees. It was very impressive. The whole island was impressive since he went from a very small space to one as large as the server would let him grow. But the beauty of the stained glass pyramid was amazing.

Once he finished it he got bored with that server and moved on to something else. While he hasn't built anything in stained glass (though he's used some for decoration), he's built some equally as impressive things.

As a video game, Minecraft can be tedious. But it teaches people resource management, spatial relations, and lets them expand their world to the limit of the game engine and their own imagination. If you're into building things, I recommend getting Minecraft. You can look up all sorts of videos on YouTube about it, including tutorials on how to build things.

Video gamers FTW

Very few people seem to understand the value of video games. I never really played them growing up. We didn't have any of the consoles, and the only games we played were solitaire and spider solitaire. I would occasionally play in the arcade, but even that was discouraged as a waste of money.

Then I went to Job Corps. I discovered what a PlayStation was (the first ones – the massive gray one). I really only played a little, though I made some momentous comments about them. Like my first experience with the rumble pack (vibrating controller). I exclaimed, “It's a vibrator!” I couldn't figure out why my boyfriend (now my husband) and the RA in the dorm were laughing. It was only later, when I wasn't as innocent (let's not talk about how long that innocence lasted, okay?), that I realized why they thought it was so funny.

One thing I did notice though, as I started playing more video games. My depression was less pronounced. I could escape and play without hurting anyone. I could lose myself for a few hours in a world that was different from my own, in a way that reading and writing couldn't give me.

My favorite video games are the Final Fantasy series from VII to XII, skipping XI because, well, it was stupid and the Sims games all the way up to Sims 3 and its expansion packs. (I played Sims for a while, got Sims 2, and then when it came out I won Sims 3 in a contest.) As I don't have a console anymore (and I don't really miss it that much), I focus on the Sims. I need to get it on Himself's computer so I can play it, but that's another thing altogether. Sims 3 gave me the freedom to introduce myself to a world where I could see what it was like to be rich (cheat codes FTW!) and have lots of cats.

I was recently reading some things online when I came across this article from Time Magazine. It talks about how a specially crafted video game helped depressed teenagers deal with their depression. I thought it was an amazing study. Here's another one from the BBC on how video games can help with depression. And this one from the Huffington Post gives a much broader view of what video games are good for.

I get so tired of the naysayers of video games, saying they'll lead to violence and drug use. I've seen other reports out there where the need for violence, the desire to commit suicide, and general aggression are lessened by playing video games. They help a person put those emotions to use in a safe way and helps them relax. Where's the harm in that?

Now there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Some people become so obsessed with video games that they lose all touch with reality. But those people are few and far between. We hear so much about them because it goes to prove the negative point. But more and more we're hearing about the benefits of video games as well.

What are your views on video games? Do you play any? What's your favorite?

Relationships

Sometimes I feel like Himself and I have gone back to the beginning of our relationship again. We're relearning each other's limits, personalities, and how the other feels about things. Four years ago something happened that caused a huge rift in our lives and it's taken its toll on us. We've been married for 12 years and have had to go back to the start to work things out. There's been a lot of pain shared between us and we've finally gotten to the point where things are starting to balance out again.

A marriage is a partnership, one that has to be an even balance between the two roles for it to work. Notice I didn't say equal. There are going to be things that one does better than the other. What needs to be figured out is how to work within those limits. A newlywed couple starts out with a preset notion of how things are going to be. As a relationship matures and grows, that balance is going to have to be restructured again and again as new knowledge and skills are gained.

A long term relationship like what my parents had before my mom died (45 years, I think), a lot of compromises had to have been reached. Learning to compromise is one of the hardest things in the world, especially when both partners think they are the ones in the right. There will be arguments, harsh words, hurt feelings. But the whole point of the thing is to keep going and not give up. It's when people give up on talking to each other that things can fall apart.

I'm not trying to tell anyone how to run their relationships. I'm definitely the last person you want to ask, given the kind of examples of marriages/families I've had in my life. I'm fighting to sort my own marriage out right now. I can share what I've noticed through trial, tribulation, and pure observation. Your experiences are different from mine, so you may see something different that I don't. We are, after all, the sum of our experiences.