Suicide

I know I talk about mental illness on my blog. It's because it's something I'm passionate about. Depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, autism, hypermania, hypomania, all of things can affect people and you might not even notice.

I'm bipolar. Last November I tried to kill myself. I took half a bottle of klonopin. But I panicked and called and texted a bunch of people. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance when the police arrived. I don't remember the ride though. I lost consciousness. We got to the ER. I was told later I had periods of me being awake and disoriented and me just being unconscious. I couldn't tell what was happening, but it was enough to frighten Himself.

I vaguely remember getting to the mental hospital. It was around 2 or 3 in the morning. I made it to my room and passed out again. I woke up when someone came to take my vitals. It was 7 am and I was told they'd been taking my vitals every 15 minutes since I got there. I wasn't clear headed but I was more oriented so they let me go to breakfast.

A few days passed and I met up with a woman appointed by the court to talk to me. We talked and explained that if she and another one of her colleagues who I would meet in another day or two gave me a positive, I'd be stuck in the mental hospital for a while until they decided to give me a negative. Both of them gave me positives.

I had to go to court so it was legally said that I was to stay in the mental hospital until they felt I wasn't a threat to myself. To go I was handcuffed and placed in the back of a police car. I stood before the judge with the handcuffs on. When it was done, I was taken back to the hospital.

The hospital I was at was only a temporary stay. They found me another hospital to spend a longer time. That was Safe Haven. I was taken in the back of a police car, though this time I wasn't handcuffed. I got to the hospital and was immediately taken under the care of a psych tech. She guided me through the initial check in, and then helped me to my room. They were single occupancy rooms so I didn't have to worry about someone bothering me. She talked to me for a few minutes about who I was, what my goals were outside of the hospital, and why I thought suicide was the only way out. She genuinely cared. I'd already been in mental hospitals for suicidal ideology (thinking about it but not actually going through with it) three times and I never felt so cared for as I did when I arrived at Safe Haven.

I was there from December 3^rd to December 18^th. While I was there, I grew comfortable dealing with the other patients and the staff. I was treated well, and any time I felt upset one of the psych techs would take me to the side and sit with me until I felt better. My psychiatrist worked with me and actually listened when I told her what was going on so we could get my cocktail of meds fully set up to help me stay stable.

I still had to have the lady appointed by the court come and talk to me to make sure I was safe to leave the hospital and go home. She came and talked to me. She gave me a negative and my involuntary hold was retracted. I could go home. It took two days for that negative to get registered with the court. My husband came and got me and I went home.

When I tried to kill myself, I thought it was the only way to go. I felt nothing in my life was going right. I thought people would be better off without me because I was just a drain on them. I decided that people didn't really love me and only said that to appease me. I didn't talk about my feelings with anyone.

Pay attention to those you know have mental illness. If they want to talk, listen to them. Be encouraging to them and show that you love them. If they have trouble, don't abandon them. You can't change them. You can't tell them what to do. But sometimes all it takes is one person who believes in them to help them. But even that doesn't always work.

The national suicide hotline is here. Some states have local suicide hotlines. Encourage them to talk to them. Make sure they have the suicide hotline so if they have any doubts it's the right thing to do they have someone to talk to.

Routines, and why my breaking mine has gotten me frazzled

I recently had some changes to things that ended my regular Monday and Thursday appointments. I'm working towards getting one new regular appointment set up, but that hasn't happened yet. What I'm finding now is this is affecting me worse than I thought it would. It's a break in my routine, and that has me a little discombobulated.

For me, a routine is kind of necessary. I have to set myself a time for everything or I forget things. On Monday, I started getting up earlier. Instead of rolling over and going back to sleep when I get Himself up, I'm getting up with him. It's rough but I'm managing it. But on Monday, because I changed my pattern I forgot to take both my morning and night doses of meds. I've started taking my pills after I get out of the shower in the morning because that's what I did when I took them at night. I've moved my daily shower up to the morning as well. With my meds, I haven't forgotten the rest of the week, though on Thursday I took them later than I've been doing it. I also thought it was Friday until I got the email notifications about my usual Thursday appointments. I had forgotten to take them off my calendar.

I fixed my calendar and then stared at the blank days. I use Google calendar so I can get email notifications when I have something coming up. I have a single appointment coming up this month. It's to meet the doctor who will handle my meds going forward. I don't have anything regular, though I'm making arrangements for that. In the mean time, my routine is going to be shaken up. I'm going to have to develop a new one until I can get things sorted out.

Those with mental illness need to find and maintain a routine, even if it's as simple as taking their meds at the same time every day. It helps reduce some of the stress. Over and over again during my hospitalizations and my counseling I've been urged to set up a routine. Find something that works and stick to it. For nine months I had one that worked for me. Now it has to change. And I don't like it. I like the familiar. I hate changing things. It always makes me feel flustered. I've also had a couple days of depression this week because things weren't going the same as they always have.

But routines aren't just for those with mental illnesses. How many of us have in our mind a mini-schedule of “My alarm goes off and I do A. Then I do B and C. Now I do D and then I'm off on my day.” I'm sure all of us have something similar to this. It seems to be a natural part of our world as it stands now. I don't know many people who don't wake up with some kind of ritual or loose schedule in their heads.

What about you? Do you have a routine? Does it bother you to deviate from it?

Y is for Yo-Yo

I don't there's many of us who haven't at least seen a yo-yo. We've watched it go up and down and up and down. Some of us have even tried it. There are those who could barely get it to go up and down. Then there were those who could do amazing tricks with them.

A yo-yo is a good analogy for daily life. There are ups and downs, some days we can barely make it, and others are amazing and we feel awesome. The thing about a yo-yo is you don't always have control over if it goes up or down. People do have some control over that. My N post goes over this so I'm not going to get into it here. But remember that we have some control over what makes us feel bad.

Another thing that a yo-yo can be an analogy for is the mood swings of someone suffering from mental illness. One day they're fine, happy, and as normal as life gets for them. The next they can be depressed, violent, self harming themselves, suffer hallucinations, etc.

No one can know when a mood swing will happen. There are certain things that could trigger them. A bad day, a harsh word, reading something that upsets them. Or there isn't anything that you can see that sends them off into their low mood. There are days where we don't know the reason why we hit that low.

With medication, meditation, exercise, hospitalization, and/or counseling, there is a way for us to bounce back up. We aren't as quick as a yo-yo but it does happen. Just like people who don't have a mental illness. We aren't that different from those around us. We just have a chemical issue that requires further assistance before we can reach something we can consider normal.

Then there are the awesome days, the ones where it's easy to have a good day. Things go smoothly for us. There's something to excite us, or we're rewarded for something. Our favorite song plays on the radio. We get a day off and do something fun – just define what fun is for you. Those awesome days are also part of a yo-yo life.

Life is like a yo-yo. Be patient and it will always go back up. It may take time. But it will.

Monday Maundering - World Suicide Prevention Day (Warning: Discussion of Suicide)

I was going to talk about the conflict in Syria, but there are so many people who've said what I'm thinking on it better than I ever could so I think I'll avoid that bandwagon. Instead, let me talk to you about something that is even closer to my heart, something I only recently learned about but have been researching like crazy since I found out about it: World Suicide Prevention Day.

WSPD is on September 10th every year. It's a joint effort between the International Association of Suicide Prevention, the World Health Organization, and the World Federation for Mental Health. This is its 11th anniversary. This year's focus is on the stigma of talking about suicide as a barrier. Read the article through the link to better understand this event.

Suicide is not a joke. Nor is it, as I've heard some people say, the process of natural selection. Natural selection implies a predator taking out the weakest or sickest of the population. Suicide is for the most part self-inflicted and can be prevented by people paying attention and offering help where help is needed.

I've been suicidal before. I probably wouldn't be here if not for my family and friends. Four times in my life I've had the method, the means, and the will to do it. My depression, a mental illness that is as devastating in its own way at times as cancer, overwhelmed me and took its toll on my mental stability. My father prevented my first attempt. Himself has prevented two of the three remaining attempts. A friend prevented the third. All because they were paying attention and even if they didn't know the warning signs of suicidal tendencies, they knew something was wrong.

The most important thing I can say about suicide prevention is educate yourself. Learn what the signs of someone considering suicide are. There are some distinct signs that can be overlooked if you're not watching for them. Pay attention to your friends and family. If they're showing signs of depression, try to convince them to seek help. Not everyone is willing to admit they have a problem. I didn't want to accept my diagnosis for several years. It's only been within the last few years that I've accepted it and started looking for ways to control it.

Suicide is the final choice for those of us who feel we have no other reason for life. People who are abused, bullied, or suffer from mental illness are the most likely candidates for attempting to end their lives. We are the forgotten ones, the ones on the edge of society. We are the ones that people look down on, step on, or ignore. We are the ones crying for help that nobody hears. If they do hear, it's generally either too late or they don't pay attention.

Don't turn your back on the bullied. Don't ignore the abused. Don't shy away from the mentally ill. Noticing the problem is the first step in prevention. Step forward when no one else will and provide those who are suffering a lifeline. Sometimes it doesn't work, but sometimes just even a single person caring about them, a single person willing to step forward and show them that they have worth and value, sometimes that's all it takes to save a life.

Thursday Thoughts - Depression

I want to talk to you today about something that plagues a lot of people's lives, and makes it so they can't live their lives well: depression.

True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer. It can make it so you don't want to get out of bed, you don't want to see family or friends, you don't want to eat, you either want to sleep all the time or you can't sleep at all. There are so many signs and symptoms of depression that it's hard to pinpoint them all.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

*Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
*Fatigue and decreased energy
*Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
*Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
*Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
*Irritability, restlessness
*Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
*Overeating or appetite loss
*Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
*Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
*Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I suffer from depression. I have days where I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out ever again. I lose interest in everything - my writing, my husband, my cat, my life. I snap at Himself when he tries to get me to come out of it. I feel like nothing in life will ever be right again. This can go on for hours, days, or as the definition suggests, weeks.

I am on medication to curb my depressive episodes and it works for the most part. But depression isn't something I can simply "get over". It's in my head, yes, but it's not "all in my head" in the sense that I can just push it away as if it were nothing.

I've contemplated suicide three times in the past few years. All three times I had a plan and I was just waiting to put it into action. Thankfully Himself, my friends, and my therapist all caught me before I could go through with it and got me the help I needed. Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon in people who suffer from depression.

According to Web MD, an estimated 19 million American adults suffer from major depression. That's 19 million people who have their lives interrupted by something they can't consciously control. That's 19 million people who may at one point or another contemplate ending their lives because they can't handle it anymore. That's 19 million people who need love and support, not condemnation.

I have faced a lot of ridicule and discrimination because of my mental illness. People don't believe that I have problems. They think it's something I can control. I can to a certain extent, with proper medication and other treatments. But it's always there and sometimes even the medication isn't enough to fight it off. On those days I curl up, I hide from the world, and I sleep. I sleep a lot. I don't eat unless Himself forces me to eat and I won't get out of bed unless Himself forces me out of bed. Those are the days I need love and support the most, and I get it from my husband.

If you have a friend or loved one who is suffering from any kind of mental illness, remember that it's not something they can consciously control. Offer them love and support. Don't turn away from them. Educate yourself on their mental illness so you can understand what's going on. If you suffer from a mental illness yourself, educate yourself on what to expect. Learn all you can about it.

I'm scared but I need to say this

I'm scared.

No, I'm not scared. I'm freaking TERRIFIED.

Why am I so scared?

Because I'm afraid with this post I may lose some friends. If I do, I'll have to be okay with it. But I'm NOT okay with it and I probably will never be okay with it.

Let me get serious for a change. My blog is usually posted full of light and fluffy things with the occasional heavy thing thrown in for good measure. I want to introduce you to something that most of you probably already know but I'm going to talk about anyway - depression. More specifically, bipolar disorder and anxiety.

Why am I talking about these illnesses (and yes, they ARE illnesses)?

Because that's my diagnosis: bipolar affective disorder with moderate general anxiety and mild to moderate social anxiety.

People look at mental illnesses as something a person can just "get over". Newsflash, folks. No we CAN'T just "get over it". It's not something we want. It's not something that we turn on and off at will. It's with us every day of our lives and it affects everything we do. My bipolar and anxiety (mostly the anxiety, I think) is the reason I've had a hard time holding a job down since I was 16. I'm 35, almost 36 years old. That's 20 years, folks, that I've been battling this demon.

I've taken Lithium. Never again. I've taken Depakote. Never again. I'm not inclined to become a zombie prior to the zombie apocalypse and that's what those medications do to me. I've met some people who were perfectly fine on Lithium and Depakote. I say if it works for them, that's great. It's just not for me.

It can take years to perfect a medication regime to help stabilize your mood. A prime example are the three meds I'm on now. They work great to stabilize but they make me too tired to do much of anything. That won't work so I need to have them adjusted. We're going to see what they suggest tomorrow when I go to the doctor.

What scares me the most, though, is how many friends am I going to lose over declaring myself as mentally ill. I've already lost a lot of people who didn't understand what was going on in my head and abandoned me. Hell, half the time I don't understand what's going on in my head and I live with it. I don't understand bipolar very well, though I'm learning more about this illness and the effects it's going to have on my life going forward from here.

Knowledge is the key to understanding anything. If you're curious, take a moment to look up bipolar and anxiety. Read their descriptions. Learn more about mental illness. If you suspect you've got a similar problem, talk to your doctor. I waited until it was almost too late to get help. Don't follow my example. Get help and nip it in the bud.

If you've been diagnosed with some kind of mental illness, check out NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). If you're bipolar or were diagnosed with clinical depression, check out the Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance. I didn't do a lot of research but there are other websites for the different diagnoses for mental health issues, so check your area for support groups.

Get in touch with a support group. I can't afford the cost of the one I found but I'm going to talk to my counselor on Saturday and see if she knows of any that are free, and on what days they meet since my insurance won't cover it otherwise.

Getting stable has to be a priority for those with mental illness. Being able to just get through a normal day without a problem from our illnesses is something we strive for. A walk down the street may be just another day for you but for someone with social anxiety it's like walking through a lion's den where the slightest sound may wake up a lion.

Don't turn away from those with mental illnesses. They need your support. Don't tell us to get over it. That will never happen, though we may through the use of meds be able to lead stable lives. Don't tell us it's all in our heads. One, we know that. Two, that means you don't believe us that it's an illness and that's hurtful to us.

Education, people. That's what it boils down to. There are some websites out there that are bad, but check out the NAMI and the DBSA websites. They have a lot of good information on mental health issues and are great resources. Read books. Ask questions of your doctor. Find the answers yourself through careful research. Don't just take anybody's word for it. Don't take mine. Do your own research.

But please don't judge us. We're not deliberately doing the things that worry/frighten/anger you. We're trying to live our lives and sometimes we just can't do it without help.

(This post brought to you by yet another friend abandoning me over this. Yes, I'm bitter. Yes, I'm hurt. Educate yourselves, people. Don't abandon others when they tell you they're mentally ill.)