My thoughts on the transgender community

I do not care for politics. I deal with them since they're a part of every day life in this country. In all countries, actually. But something has been bothering me to the point I feel the need to talk about it. That is the way we look at the LGBT community, most specifically the B and the T part of that acronym.

We're going to start with the T today. For those that aren't aware, the T stands for transgender. The definition of transgender is “noting or relating to a person whose gender identity does not correspond to that person's biological sex assigned at birth.”

I will say this upfront and right away: THIS IS NOT A CHOICE!!!!! This is a part of the person from the day they are born. It is not a chemical imbalance. It is not a psychological abnormality. It is who they are, just as being a gay or lesbian is a part of a person and not a choice.

There are several prominent transgender people in the public spotlight. I'm not going to talk about them specifically right now. I'm going to talk about the large number of men and women who aren't in the spotlight who suffer from abuse, violence, a lack of medical care, and are having to hide their real selves to avoid being killed. Even that isn't always enough protection.

A friend of mine has a sixteen year old trans daughter. She was assigned the male gender at birth, but has been questioning her sexuality a good chunk of her life. It's only been in the last six months that she's felt comfortable enough talking to her mother to express the fact that she is a young woman instead of a young man. My friend embraced her daughter's new identity whole heartedly and is doing what she can to make her transition a little easier.

There has been some talk about starting on hormones, but my friend isn't sure if their family doctor will do it. She's not even sure her doctor will continue seeing her daughter because of the fact that it's hard to find transgender friendly medical professionals, especially in conservative small towns like the one she's in. But she's determined to do what she can to help her daughter make the transition. If all parents could be as accepting as my friend and her husband, things would be a lot better for those who don't fit the gender binary. But they aren't. And many transgender youth and adults have paid the price for that by taking their own lives.

There have been a number of studies done on transgender lives. 41% of the transgender and gender non-conforming population in the US have attempted suicide. Compare that to the 4.6% of the regular population and between 10 and 20% of the lesbian, gay, and bisexual community. Think about that for a moment. A transgender person is almost ten times as likely to attempt suicide as the rest of the straight population. This isn't primarily because of mental illness, as some people like to push. It's because they can't take the bullying, the pain of being ostracized, of being forced to live as something they're not, all in the name of just trying to be who they truly are.

Another problem transgender people face is increased violence and even death at the hands of strangers because of who they are. There have been at least 20 transgender women murdered this year alone. Nine of those investigations have led to murder charges. And this is just from what has been reported. There are a lot of murders that go unreported, or are pushed to the side because the transgender people in question are homeless or have taken to prostitution to survive. None of these people deserve the kind of violence being perpetrated against them, yet they are also powerless to stop it in a society that still despises them for being who they are.

There are agencies that are out there to support the LGBT community. There are some that focus solely on the transgender population. But they aren't enough. There are still a large percentage of transgender men, women, and youth who live on the streets because they have been evicted, kicked out by family, or have lost jobs simply on the basis of being transgender and can no longer afford to support themselves. Homeless shelters often force them to take beds in the areas that support their assigned gender instead of the gender they truly are, which can lead to fear and violence.

When dealing with someone who is transgender, keep these rules in mind. First, if they give their name as something that might not fit what you think you see, use the name they give. My friend's daughter came up with her name a few years ago, and has been using it online. She finally told her mother what she wanted to be called. Her mother is beginning to correct people now who use the wrong name and misgender her daughter.

Second, respect them in using the pronouns they prefer. Some prefer gender specific pronouns (he/she/his/hers). Others prefer gender neutral pronouns (they/them). There are even pronouns in use now (ze/hir) that they might want you to use. If you're not sure, ask. It doesn't hurt to ask, and many will be pleased that you're thinking of their needs.

Third, don't ask invasive questions such as “when are you having surgery” or “what's between your legs?” or “what do you do about sex?” All of those are rude, and you wouldn't ask them of a cisgender person, so don't ask them of a transgender person. It's personal to them and it's not your business.

If you know a transgender person, be supportive. It's hard to be who they are. Even with women like Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner stepping into the light and bringing transgender issues into the mainstream, there is still so much bias and hate towards them that they need people to accept them for who they are.

If you know a transgender person, and are concerned that they might try to self-harm or even commit suicide, share with them the transgender suicide hotline number (US 877-565-8860 and Canada 877-330-6366). Let them know you're there for them. Let them know that there is someone on their side, who loves them unconditionally, and will continue loving them no matter what. Sometimes that one voice is what it will take to keep them from slipping over the edge.

Leelah Alcorn and suicide

If you've been online over the past few days, you've probably encountered something dealing with the suicide of Leelah Alcorn. If you haven't, then you should look it up. Here is a more concise description than I can give.

The reason I bring this up is because it sheds a light on a very troubling situation in the United States, and all over the world. This shows the lack of understanding and acceptance of people that don't fit the gender stereotypes we're so fond of shoving people into. Looking into the statistics for transgender suicide, one article I read said “a whopping 41% who are transgender or are gender-nonconforming have attempted sometime in their lives.” This is nine times the national average. And this survey was released three years ago.

I don't know anyone who's transgender. At least, I've never heard someone claim to be that or witnessed the kinds of prejudice that is sadly a part of daily life for someone who holds that they were born in the wrong body. I realize being transgender is more than that, but that's the way I know best to describe it.

Why is it we drive people to attempt, if not actually succeed, at taking their own lives? In Leelah's case, as witnessed by her suicide note, her parents cut her off from anyone and everyone who might have understood her. They forced her into counseling for her “problem”. They might have thought they were doing the right thing for her, trying to force her back into that little box their personal and religious beliefs thought she should be in. But she didn't fit. And in the end, all she could do to help others like her was step in front of a truck and die to open up the world's eyes to a problem that has been going on for a long time.

It's not just the transgender community who suffers from the stigma of being different. Those in the LGBTQI community are bullied and in some cases are forced by well meaning loved ones into therapy that does more harm than good. Suicide rates among teens and adults in the LGBTQI community are very high. Most of them are caused by constant bullying and assaults from their peers and total strangers. In some cases, the bullying can lead to death just by the act of the assault on its own.

I think Leelah is getting her wish. In the end of her suicide note – which was published on and then later taken down by Tumblr – she said, “The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren't treated the way I was, they're treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something.”

Her death has meant something. It's shedding light on something that people tend to try to forget exists. As Leelah says, gender needs to be taught about in schools. Not the “you must always be the same gender you were born” education. The “if you don't feel quite right as your given gender, there are others out there like you.” People need to open their eyes and realize that not everyone thinks or feels the same way as they do.

For those feeling suicide is their only option, there is a national suicide prevention hotline. That number is 1-800-273-8255. But now there is a transgender phone number found here. This is the website for the Trans Lifeline. The phone number they give is 877-565-6366. The hours it's opened are available on the site. It's hoped that if they're given a place that is sensitive to their needs, that more of the transgender teens and adults will look for different solutions than killing themselves.

I don't know the kind of hell these people go through that makes them want to take their own lives. I've had my run in with committing suicide, so I have a vague indication of the hopelessness they feel. But I know how hopelessness can steal away your will to live. I experienced that two years ago.

If you know a transgender person, offer them support. That should go without saying for everyone around you that is a part of your life, whether fleeting or long term. Think before you say or do something hurtful towards another person. Stop and try to see it from their point of view before you speak or act. Not everyone is going to be like you. Don't try to force them into a narrow little hole.