Um...yes, I'm still alive

*cough, choke*

*removes spider webs*

Uh....hi?

I haven't had much to say lately so I haven't been saying it. Which is quite apparent since the last time I posted a blog post was in November. I feel rather bad about that and I appreciate all of you who have stuck it out during my blog absence. I can't guarantee how frequently I'll post but I will be posting more often.

A lot has gone on in the last four months. Himself has had a few more contracts come his way. I've been told I'm not allowed to go back to work, so I'm dealing with that. I've started writing full time since I have so much free time. I finished a first draft in less than three months. I've now burned myself out on writing but the first draft of Burning Dreams is done. That's the book I started in November, won NaNoWriMo with, and then scrapped at the end of December and started over fresh in January.

I attempted the Amazon Breakthrough Novel contest this year. I didn't make it past the pitch phase. Which is fine. After everything was all said and done, I realized Only A Name, which I thought was finished, really wasn't finished and needs a total overhaul. I'm going to try it again next year, probably with Only A Name again since that's the book that starts everything.

I've also moved. We were living in a small town pretty far out from where we needed to go for shopping and Himself needed to go for work. It was a pain getting to my doctor appointments. Now we live in town and everything is within a 20 minute drive of our new place. We'll have new roommates by the 15th, but for right now it's just us and the cat in the house.

Reidar didn't take too well to the move at first. I think he was rather offended by the fact that I wrapped him in our bath towel and held on for dear life as we drove him back from the old house to the new. We didn't have a cat carrier for him and I needed some way to prevent him from tearing holes in me while Himself drove. He hid himself on a shelf in the bathroom and wouldn't even acknowledge my presence for the better part of a week. He's resigned himself to the new place and has since gone back to flopping on me every chance he gets, but for a while I was beginning to think my cat was going to hate me forever. :D

Things are progressing forward at a slow pace, but good things are coming our way. We're slowly optimistic that things are going to continue getting better. We've embarked on a new chapter in our lives. We're going to see how this one will be written before we progress on.

And because the butterfly is so symbolic of how I feel right now, this picture was posted by user seiyastock on www.morguefile.com.

I'm scared but I need to say this

I'm scared.

No, I'm not scared. I'm freaking TERRIFIED.

Why am I so scared?

Because I'm afraid with this post I may lose some friends. If I do, I'll have to be okay with it. But I'm NOT okay with it and I probably will never be okay with it.

Let me get serious for a change. My blog is usually posted full of light and fluffy things with the occasional heavy thing thrown in for good measure. I want to introduce you to something that most of you probably already know but I'm going to talk about anyway - depression. More specifically, bipolar disorder and anxiety.

Why am I talking about these illnesses (and yes, they ARE illnesses)?

Because that's my diagnosis: bipolar affective disorder with moderate general anxiety and mild to moderate social anxiety.

People look at mental illnesses as something a person can just "get over". Newsflash, folks. No we CAN'T just "get over it". It's not something we want. It's not something that we turn on and off at will. It's with us every day of our lives and it affects everything we do. My bipolar and anxiety (mostly the anxiety, I think) is the reason I've had a hard time holding a job down since I was 16. I'm 35, almost 36 years old. That's 20 years, folks, that I've been battling this demon.

I've taken Lithium. Never again. I've taken Depakote. Never again. I'm not inclined to become a zombie prior to the zombie apocalypse and that's what those medications do to me. I've met some people who were perfectly fine on Lithium and Depakote. I say if it works for them, that's great. It's just not for me.

It can take years to perfect a medication regime to help stabilize your mood. A prime example are the three meds I'm on now. They work great to stabilize but they make me too tired to do much of anything. That won't work so I need to have them adjusted. We're going to see what they suggest tomorrow when I go to the doctor.

What scares me the most, though, is how many friends am I going to lose over declaring myself as mentally ill. I've already lost a lot of people who didn't understand what was going on in my head and abandoned me. Hell, half the time I don't understand what's going on in my head and I live with it. I don't understand bipolar very well, though I'm learning more about this illness and the effects it's going to have on my life going forward from here.

Knowledge is the key to understanding anything. If you're curious, take a moment to look up bipolar and anxiety. Read their descriptions. Learn more about mental illness. If you suspect you've got a similar problem, talk to your doctor. I waited until it was almost too late to get help. Don't follow my example. Get help and nip it in the bud.

If you've been diagnosed with some kind of mental illness, check out NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). If you're bipolar or were diagnosed with clinical depression, check out the Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance. I didn't do a lot of research but there are other websites for the different diagnoses for mental health issues, so check your area for support groups.

Get in touch with a support group. I can't afford the cost of the one I found but I'm going to talk to my counselor on Saturday and see if she knows of any that are free, and on what days they meet since my insurance won't cover it otherwise.

Getting stable has to be a priority for those with mental illness. Being able to just get through a normal day without a problem from our illnesses is something we strive for. A walk down the street may be just another day for you but for someone with social anxiety it's like walking through a lion's den where the slightest sound may wake up a lion.

Don't turn away from those with mental illnesses. They need your support. Don't tell us to get over it. That will never happen, though we may through the use of meds be able to lead stable lives. Don't tell us it's all in our heads. One, we know that. Two, that means you don't believe us that it's an illness and that's hurtful to us.

Education, people. That's what it boils down to. There are some websites out there that are bad, but check out the NAMI and the DBSA websites. They have a lot of good information on mental health issues and are great resources. Read books. Ask questions of your doctor. Find the answers yourself through careful research. Don't just take anybody's word for it. Don't take mine. Do your own research.

But please don't judge us. We're not deliberately doing the things that worry/frighten/anger you. We're trying to live our lives and sometimes we just can't do it without help.

(This post brought to you by yet another friend abandoning me over this. Yes, I'm bitter. Yes, I'm hurt. Educate yourselves, people. Don't abandon others when they tell you they're mentally ill.)

Sunday 'fess up...Anni has a soapbox and isn't afraid to use it this week

Hey all!

Sorry about the blog absence last week, but I was in the hospital and didn't have access to my laptop.  I spent 9 days in the hospital, and now I'm on a month long hiatus from my day job until I get some therapy out of the way.  My doctor practically ordered me to keep writing though, so that's what I'm going to do.

Himself is still working for Kirby but he's looking for something with a steadier income so we can get out of Twitchy's house sooner.  He's got a couple interviews lined up for next week, so send good thoughts his way.  One is almost the same hourly wage as I get ($11/hr), so we'd have a lot more to work with and that would be lovely.  Instead of living from my paycheck to my next paycheck.

Writing is going well.  I've put in almost 15k on the novel this week since I got home, and hope to finish it by the end of the month.  I've got some other projects that need to be finished, and I've got some side stories I want to write because the side characters interest me as much as the main characters.  The side stories probably won't ever see publication but they're going to be fun to write.  I may save them until November, when I do NaNoWriMo again though.

I'm going to deviate from my usual SFU for a moment.  I want to talk to you about a subject that is both serious and very important to me: mental illnesses.  I myself am bipolar.  I suffer from depression, mania, and anxiety - mostly depression and anxiety.  My mental illness was part of what got me hospitalized.  It, along with unattended health issues, knocked me off my feet.

NAMI has a great definition for mental illness.  My favorite part of the definition is: "Mental illnesses can affect persons of any age, race, religion, or income. Mental illnesses are not the result of personal weakness, lack of character or poor upbringing."  It also mentions that it's treatable, which it is through therapy, counseling, and medication.  Coping skills can be taught and medication can help stabilize moods.


There's even an institute to deal with mental health issues (NIMH).  Now, aside from the terrifying portrayal of them in "The Secret of NIMH", the National Institute for Mental Health has a lot of good information available to those who either suffer from mental illnesses or the families of those who have to live with those who suffer from mental illnesses.


One thing I've seen which breaks my heart is a lack of support from friends and family members.  Friends abandon individuals with mental health issues.  Family members go after them to "get their head on straight" and to "get over it".  You can't get over it.  It's treatable but not curable.


If you know someone with a mental illness, don't turn away from them.  Offer them love and support even if it seems like they don't want it.  Mental illness can make people do strange things, and one of them is isolate themselves to avoid any further pain.  Don't let them.  Isolation and a feeling of being alone is often what leads to suicide among those with mental illnesses.  Let them know you're always there for them no matter how often they tell you they don't need help.


Now, for a lighter note...this week we're going to have some Simon's Cat videos instead of my usual music videos.