Himself

My husband is a nice guy. We have our differences, as all married couples do, but he really is a nice guy. He's pretty laid back, unless you piss him off. And it takes a lot to piss him off usually. There are a few things that will set him off instantly though.

He's not afraid to tell you what he thinks. He's blunt, sometimes to the point of seeming rude. But he does it with a smile and people respond to that. He laughs easily and can make anyone feel that he's their friend. He enjoys being around people and can get into a conversation anywhere he is. Me being an introvert and shy, that gets awkward at times. But I'm learning to deal with it without flipping out or making him feel rushed.

My husband also has a lot of respect for people. It takes a while to earn his respect but once you have it he's fiercely loyal to you. Betray his trust, however, and it will take you a long time to earn it back. Sometimes he'll even decide you're not worth his time anymore because of this and will walk away.

Himself is also very generous. On Saturday, he went over to help a co-worker move. He's probably only known this person a little less than a month. But they needed help and Himself volunteered. He's done this for friends a lot too. Whenever someone needed him he was there.

I love him dearly. He's a good man at heart, even if he has his rough edges. He loves a good joke (and some bad ones too, but that's my opinion on them). He loves to laugh. He loves music and building things. He plays video games or practices his programming in his spare time. We go out on occasion too and it's always a good time no matter where we go.

We started dating at the end of June in 1999. We've been together ever since. Three years of dating/engagement before we were married, and we only had one major falling out that ended up in us not seeing each other for four months in there. For fifteen years I've been with this man, loving him and learning from him. For twelve of those years we've actually been married. I hope to have many more long and loving years with him.

Relationships

Sometimes I feel like Himself and I have gone back to the beginning of our relationship again. We're relearning each other's limits, personalities, and how the other feels about things. Four years ago something happened that caused a huge rift in our lives and it's taken its toll on us. We've been married for 12 years and have had to go back to the start to work things out. There's been a lot of pain shared between us and we've finally gotten to the point where things are starting to balance out again.

A marriage is a partnership, one that has to be an even balance between the two roles for it to work. Notice I didn't say equal. There are going to be things that one does better than the other. What needs to be figured out is how to work within those limits. A newlywed couple starts out with a preset notion of how things are going to be. As a relationship matures and grows, that balance is going to have to be restructured again and again as new knowledge and skills are gained.

A long term relationship like what my parents had before my mom died (45 years, I think), a lot of compromises had to have been reached. Learning to compromise is one of the hardest things in the world, especially when both partners think they are the ones in the right. There will be arguments, harsh words, hurt feelings. But the whole point of the thing is to keep going and not give up. It's when people give up on talking to each other that things can fall apart.

I'm not trying to tell anyone how to run their relationships. I'm definitely the last person you want to ask, given the kind of examples of marriages/families I've had in my life. I'm fighting to sort my own marriage out right now. I can share what I've noticed through trial, tribulation, and pure observation. Your experiences are different from mine, so you may see something different that I don't. We are, after all, the sum of our experiences.

Monday Maundering - Marriage Equality

Image courtesy of George Takei, Facebook

Today I'm getting my soapbox out because of the landmark decision the SCOTUS is having to deal with. That is the ruling on marriage equality.

I'm for it. 100%. I believe that everyone who is over the age of consent should be allowed to marry the partner of their choice, assuming that partner is also over the age of consent, regardless of gender. I believe that every person over the age of consent who wants to be a parent should be allowed that opportunity whether it's through natural child birth, IVF, surrogacy, or adoption. Everyone should have the right to be a family as they define it.

Not everyone defines love, marriage, and family the same way. The government needs to stay out of our definitions and allow those of us over the age of consent to choose the way we live our lives. If a child is under the age of consent, but knows that he/she is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender we need to support them in that too. It's not a phase they'll grow out of. It's who they are.

Children should be brought up recognizing that it doesn't matter if who they love is black, white, purple with green polka dots, or the same gender as they are. They have the right and the privilege of loving that person and hopefully being loved back. A boy who wants to wear a dress to prom should be allowed, just as a girl wanting to wear a tux should be allowed. A woman who believes she should have been born a man should be given the same rights and protections as a real man would be. The same goes for a man who thinks he should have been born a woman.

Relationships need to be open and honest, and how can they be if you're forcing one person to deny a part of who they are? Society's fear and hatred of those who follow the LGBT path needs to end. All those who follow the LGBT path are not sinners, not freaks, and sure as hell are not evil. They have the basic human right to love who they wish and they should be encouraged and welcomed. We need to open our eyes and our hearts and bring about equality for all.

10 years strong - and stronger

Today is Halloween, but this isn't going to be the typical trick or treat post.

No, I want to tell you about something that I'm proud of.

On this day, ten years ago, at 8:30 in the morning, I went to the Ada County Courthouse and was married to a man that most people thought I'd never make it five years with. We'd already been together for three years, with about 4 months off for a major break up during our engagement, but that didn't matter. Our marriage wasn't going to make it to five years. We'd be divorced after a year, maybe two.

Yeah, we proved those naysayers wrong.

We were almost divorced at nine years. Some of you may remember my posts from around this time last year bemoaning the fact that Himself was contemplating asking me for a divorce. I'm happy to say we got past that and are now a much stronger couple for it.

That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about today...getting stronger. I am a much stronger woman than I was ten years ago. My husband is a much stronger man than he was ten years ago. I don't mean physically. I mean emotionally. We've literally been through hell in the last three years. Last year was almost hell number 3 (let's not talk about hell numbers 1 & 2...those happened within the same year, within a few months of each other, and almost killed us). But each time something has happened that made us come out stronger together rather than break apart.

Part of it is our personalities. I'd rather die than get a divorce. I don't believe in divorce, though I know it happens and it could have just as easily happened to me. At this point in my life, I can say I won't be the one to initiate a divorce ever. In the future, who knows. I can only say how I feel now. He gets angry and last year he was very angry and very hurt (not necessarily because of me...family issues). I got the brunt of it last year because I was a convenient target and the real person he wanted to hurt was out of reach. He realized this and we worked past the broken trust issue with the divorce threat and moved on.

We're stronger for that too.

Every event in our ten years has given us some new personal strengths, as well as strengthening us as a couple. Everyone told us again as we faced down our first hell three years ago that we should divorce. That it was all my fault (his side of the family) that it happened, that he was worthless (my side of the family), and that we'd lose everything if we stayed together. We were going to lose everything anyway regardless if we stayed together or not. We chose to stay together so we didn't have to face it alone.

I love my husband. We have our spats. We get on each other's nerves. We sometimes hurt each other badly enough to make someone (me) cry. But we get past it, we get through it, and we move on a little stronger and a little better. That's one of the secrets to why our marriage has lasted so long...our ability to turn our weaknesses into our strengths and to help each other push past the bad and grow stronger.