Tragedy does not define me - how I deal with that tragedy does

I'm not going to go into it, because in spite of what I'm about to post here I DON'T want to have to go into great detail about the situation, but on March 2nd 2010 I was forced to endure the worst tragedy of my life. I've only had one other situation come up that made me feel even close to as helpless as I have been and devastated my life, and that was the death of my mother in 2003.

I realized as I was reviewing blog posts, Facebook status updates, and even some of my early tweets that my long-suffering friends and family have been inundated with a kind of "woe is me" attitude from me.  To all of you who have seen me through this time, I thank you for your patience....and I apologize.

I feel that I've done you and myself a great disservice by focusing as I have on the negative impact in my life.  It was a huge impact, and I'm probably still going to have some times where I'm going to have a "woe is me" attitude.  I can't completely help that.  It's human nature, and it seems like it's always been my nature as well.

BUT...what I can do is change how it impacts me.  I can learn and grow stronger from the experience, perhaps even become a better woman because of it.  I think that's one of the reasons I've started this blog - and why I'm changing my online presence from 1hope1dream to my pen name of Annikka Woods, or something equally as connected to my writing.

The biggest thing that has changed in the last 5 1/2 months is that I no longer have only ONE hope and ONE dream.  I'm beginning to realize I have many hopes and dreams that weren't completely taken away from me in March.  Yes, my biggest and most cherished dream will only come to fruition if certain events outside of my control happen.  But those events are just that - outside of my control.

I've begun to find a different focus, to feel valued in a different light.  This is the first month at work, for example, where I'm even at a stage where I could look at seeing an incentive or bonus pay out because my performance has improved that drastically since I started.  What's more, I'm learning techniques and honing the skills that may keep me at incentive level in my performance and will draw the right attention to me for future promotions.  Which, I'm finding, I wouldn't mind pursuing since I rather enjoy my job and like the company I work for.

I've begun to make real progress on my novel too.  I've been swearing I'm going to get at it for over 10 years and I've never actually done much with it except talk it out with my husband.  Now I'm 58k into the rough draft for the second book in the series, although the first book is pretty much scrapped since I had to do a HUGE plot rewrite to make it work.  But that's part of the writing process so I'm not as stressed as I thought I'd be over that fact.

I've found a subject I'm passionate enough about that I've finally found what I want to pursue a degree in.  I'm going to study Anthropology, with a second Major in either History or Literature.  I'm also going to aim to get my teaching certificate (I know, that's a LOT of stuff to be learning) and become a college professor.

I want to get rid of my debt completely, lose the weight that's been plaguing me since I was in high school (let's not get into how long ago THAT was, please), and I want to be one of those women who grows old with grace and dignity - not vinegar and bile.

My life will always feel a little incomplete because of what happened.  But that doesn't mean my life has to stop.  The grieving process is a long one and I'm still going through with it.  I'll still backslide every now and then.  But I am going to come out of this a better person all around and I'm looking forward now to the journey, instead of dreading it each and every time I get up and out of my bed in the morning.